something's still bothering me about this...
I wrote to an online advice columnist in April. (And no, I'm not particularly bothered by that fact, or by the fact that she's really a sex columnist.) Anyway, she responded. And despite the fact that I was, for a time, entirely satisfied by her answer (and genuinely flattered that she wrote back), I recently had occasion to re-read the question. Here's the e-mail I got from her:
On Mar 31, 2006, at 3:49 PM, Katie Chapman wrote:
Dear Jen,
I recently started seeing a therapist, mostly over consistent relationship problems (which, I know, are manifestations of my own problems) and he subscribes to the theory that relationship problems and sexual problems are all tied up and shouldn't be artificially divorced. I completely agree, so while this may not sound like a sex-related question, I feel like you're a good person to ask.
You spout all kinds of wisdom that basically sounds like begging people to become self-validating (something my shrink is trying to get me to work on). I can remember the moment at which I realized that needing other people's approval was not only unattractive, but a sign that I was missing something in myself. Instead of solving the problem, I erased the symptoms; I stopped engaging in that search for validation altogether (and even stopped participating in things that could be construed that way, such as theater). So my question is this: How do you justify offering these people validation while you're trying to get them to validate themselves? Isn't all your wonderful advice eventually feeding their need for someone else's stamp of approval?
Thanks for your time.
Hey Katie,
I gotta say, your question really stymied me. I usually have some sort of gut response to the things people write in about, but your letter left me with a big blank bellyful of nothin. I re-read your question over and over, got up and dusted off my desk, clipped my toenails, took a pee (the toilet being the portal for my most profound thoughts). I made a grilled cheese sandwich, re-read your question, laid face down on my bed, picked the burrs out of my cat's underbelly - I even went to Loehman's to see if they had any 36" inseam jeans on sale but still, nothin. I finally decided to chew it over with some of my friends, and the general consensus was, "hmmm, she's got you there. What the hell are you gonna say?" And I thought, what can I say? She's totally right.
It is hypocritical to tell someone not to worry about what other people think. But here's the thing: it's really hard not to care what other people think. Everyone's got to start somewhere - we can't all be in love with Number One without a lot of work. My jumping up and down on the sidelines with my pom poms serves much the same purpose as training wheels do. I try to get people up and running, to play my tiny part in taking away the wobbliness and fear of falling that's keeping them from taking off, with the ultimate goal of them not needing me, or anyone else, to steady them. So, yes, there is my answer. And if anyone can tell me where the hell I can find some pants long enough to fit me I'd really appreciate it.
***********************
www.jensincero.com
(and here's where it was published.)
I actually quite agree, and think she's pretty darn astute, but am I wrong in thinking she answered the part of the question that was easiest, most vacuous, and entirely about her? I guess it's my fault for taking several months to realize that that wasn't the real question. Is it stupid to sit around waiting for people to outsmart you?
On Mar 31, 2006, at 3:49 PM, Katie Chapman wrote:
Dear Jen,
I recently started seeing a therapist, mostly over consistent relationship problems (which, I know, are manifestations of my own problems) and he subscribes to the theory that relationship problems and sexual problems are all tied up and shouldn't be artificially divorced. I completely agree, so while this may not sound like a sex-related question, I feel like you're a good person to ask.
You spout all kinds of wisdom that basically sounds like begging people to become self-validating (something my shrink is trying to get me to work on). I can remember the moment at which I realized that needing other people's approval was not only unattractive, but a sign that I was missing something in myself. Instead of solving the problem, I erased the symptoms; I stopped engaging in that search for validation altogether (and even stopped participating in things that could be construed that way, such as theater). So my question is this: How do you justify offering these people validation while you're trying to get them to validate themselves? Isn't all your wonderful advice eventually feeding their need for someone else's stamp of approval?
Thanks for your time.
Hey Katie,
I gotta say, your question really stymied me. I usually have some sort of gut response to the things people write in about, but your letter left me with a big blank bellyful of nothin. I re-read your question over and over, got up and dusted off my desk, clipped my toenails, took a pee (the toilet being the portal for my most profound thoughts). I made a grilled cheese sandwich, re-read your question, laid face down on my bed, picked the burrs out of my cat's underbelly - I even went to Loehman's to see if they had any 36" inseam jeans on sale but still, nothin. I finally decided to chew it over with some of my friends, and the general consensus was, "hmmm, she's got you there. What the hell are you gonna say?" And I thought, what can I say? She's totally right.
It is hypocritical to tell someone not to worry about what other people think. But here's the thing: it's really hard not to care what other people think. Everyone's got to start somewhere - we can't all be in love with Number One without a lot of work. My jumping up and down on the sidelines with my pom poms serves much the same purpose as training wheels do. I try to get people up and running, to play my tiny part in taking away the wobbliness and fear of falling that's keeping them from taking off, with the ultimate goal of them not needing me, or anyone else, to steady them. So, yes, there is my answer. And if anyone can tell me where the hell I can find some pants long enough to fit me I'd really appreciate it.
***********************
www.jensincero.com
(and here's where it was published.)
I actually quite agree, and think she's pretty darn astute, but am I wrong in thinking she answered the part of the question that was easiest, most vacuous, and entirely about her? I guess it's my fault for taking several months to realize that that wasn't the real question. Is it stupid to sit around waiting for people to outsmart you?
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