machinery, men, and mayonnaise

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but, I'm starting to think that

There are three kinds of people in the world—those who can count, and those who can't.

is much better if you read it as a subtle theological statement. Or would it have to be "four kinds"? (Or have I combined the concepts of Filioque and Transubstantiation in my mind? ... Give me a break—it was a long drive.)

differentiation

Remember how, at Disneyland, in every different Land the color scheme is different, the foliage is different, the garbage cans have a different paint pattern, and even the subliminal smells they pump into the air change?

The road totally went from gray to red when we crossed into Wyoming yesterday.

developments

When I use my computer in the morning, sometimes my yawns interfere with the working of the trackpad. Like, suddenly it's covered in a fine mist of

The only Nabokov quote I'll quote anymore is the one where he says: "Were I to write a dictionary of entries lacking words to head them ..."

Can I have one for song lyrics that need single signifiers? Anyway, I need a dew of morning breath analog to "The cold sweat of make-out".

"it's too early and you shouldn't be using a computer yet" and the cursor decides what it's going to do for the next five minutes or so.

Also, why is the bluetooth sometimes "not available"?

Finally,

I woke up in a motel (that might actually be classified as a "hotel") and the biggest source of worry was that I might accidentally use the decaf coffee filter bag (well, that and that the cream and sugar and spoon and napkin packet says 'condiments' on the outside. I mean, I guess, but who's ever called those 'condiments'?). I'd say that's a far cry from the last time I woke up in Montana, but I guess I won't say how.

wait, the lyrics are /what/?

Here are the lyrics as I heard them (with the real ones in parentheses):

Keep your head and everything will be cool
You didn't have to make me feel like a fool
When I try to say I feel the way that I do
I want to talk to you
And make it loud and clear
That (Though) you don't have (care) to hear

Couldn't I just tell you the way I feel
I can't keep it bottled up inside
And could we pretend that it's no big deal
And there's really nothing left to hide

Something sure doesn't seem right to me
(When) you can turn your back whenever you please
And you stroll away and calmly bid me adieu
Why can't I talk with you
And put it in your ear
that (though) you don't have (care) to hear

Hear me out
Why don't you lend me an ear
You've got no reason to fear
I'll make it perfectly clear
I love you

I don't come whining with my heart on my sleeve
I'm not a coward if thats what you believe
And I'm not afraid but not ashamed if its true
I got to talk with you
And then I'll make it clear

Man, I used to identify with that song.

"I like to think I'm being sincere ..."

Sorry to anyone who's noticed that I seem to have shut down recently. ("Well, in /that/ case ...") Sadly, all that's going through my mind at the moment is, what are the most important things to have when you're trapped in a car? I'm thinking smartwater and Neil Young.

subtlety

I just sat down to write a note. "I know," I thought, "I'll write it on one of those paint samples I always keep lying around for just such an occasion."

Found a perfect color. Suddenly wondered what someone might read into such a thing. "Love Bird C30-3" it says across the top. Hmm... And then,

• Forget-Me-Not BC-22


• B40-1 Magical Moonlight


• B30-2 Irish Lace


• Deep Desire B38-5

How, exactly, does one have romantic taste in paint colors?

sometimes

Sometimes I compose text messages to people in response to things they haven't said yet. Tonight's was

Hi. I love you. Not tonight, ok?

Across the board.

Thank you, Fred, for providing the soundtrack.

I just love boys

so maybe only, like, eight of ten

I keep having this problem with private people which is, I'm not one. But I totally respect them. So how do I behave in a way that's respectful to them and to myself at the same time?

and last night I had occasion to write this:

You mean, do I think that differences between people who have trouble in relationships with each other are so fundamental that we shouldn't be deluded into thinking it's a good idea to try to overcome them? Do I, essentially, have an "everybody can be loved" theory of things, or do I recognize incompatibilities as irreconcilable differences?

I think we can learn how to love each other

to a fault, actually

to great detriment to my own emotional well-being, I believe that

this morning my dog got himself locked in the basement bathroom and barked for hours

my cat totally does it, too!

Whenever I sit down to play the piano anywhere near my (current favorite) cat, he comes running out of nowhere and jumps up on the piano bench, spontaneously purring, and interrupting my playing with his incessant nuzzling.

I just discovered it works with the ukulele, too. (Next I'm trying heady intellectual discussions.)

necessary and sufficient

I had a teacher who once said to a confused student, "I just assume you are all coextensive with my subconcious—you'll get used to it" (I've gotten the wording wrong when explaining this before—I'm sure now that this is what she said.) And I just woke up realizing that I have this attitude, and that it often causes confusion. There's no cause and effect going on. When I say "I feel betrayed and lied to" I'm really just actually expressing how I feel, not indicating in any way that I've /actually/ been betrayed and lied to.

It's like the yelling thing (or, is this the converse?).

we're on to something

But why does absence seem so overwhelming? Like, why is it that I have to spend /all day/ not doing something, but if you break down and do it, it only takes once to ruin it, and it's not even (necessarily) good?

Next we're going to figure out how to get time to slow down when you're having fun.

word choice (or, and the horse you rode in on)

and come to think of it, I use 'delusional' to describe you /all the time/. As in "you're deluded if you think you actually want to date me". And it may be a nice delusion, and it may seem meaningful—even all-pervasive—but it's obviously false, and stems from some kind of misunderstanding, which from the inside seems nice, but taken as an integrated whole is obviously destructive. So, sure, there may seem like plenty of good reasons to perpetuate the delusion. But I've never tried to. In fact, I've called you out on it at every graceful opportunity.

And if that seems out of character, you've clearly never heard anything I've said about self-image. (Wait—did self-portraits just become living ekphrastic statements?)

"in homicides, victims are mutilated for a variety of reasons"

I was working on this whole discussion about how I've always been a tomboy, (and still like to climb trees and stuff), and have always been, in whatever way, interested in that line. But it's not androgyny I'm interested in—I've always professed excess and abstinence, not moderation—it's a sort of, hyper-femininity by contrast. And it's a fine line. And I've never considered myself feminine enough to pull it off. I always wanted to, for instance, shave my legs with a badger brush and a straight razor; wear low-slung slacks and a button down shirt (but with cleavage, not a sports bra; but, then, cleavage isn't my thing, either...). But I've decided to give it a shot. I've decided to buy a pair of geeky /boys/ glasses. (Pictures forthcoming (whenever this past week's stress stops showing in my skin).)

By analogy (though, cheers to you, if you catch it), I've noticed I always run to you when I'm happy, when we're fighting, and when I'm sad, when we're friends. What kind of incentive is that? And everyone I've ever really cared for, I've tried to afford some kind of narrative advantage. Where might that fit in, do you think?

ah, Fremont

"and if you get stuck, you can always Gogol it!"

I've been debating for a while now whether or not to mention one of the more monumental episodes in my personal picaresque of various kinds of failed (or interrupted) relationships. It might be interesting to some. It would probably be tiresome to others. It could definitely sound like an excuse. So, to avoid recusing myself from the general idea of trying to stop being such a baby and to step up and be a good person, instead I offer this:

I'm not sure why (or what it means that) what seems to have given me distraction is a conversation I had with a certain owner of a certain fancy French restaurant (I won't say which—this is my new personal hideaway, I've decided), but in trying to elucidate how, exactly, the connections I was trying to make between a (constructivist?) book on mentoring and a small tract on the social possibilities of art had anything to do with his doctor commenting on the fact that Nietzche is passe, I've come back to the conclusion that it's time, again, to figure out what on earth my senior thesis was trying to get at.

Soon as I find an electronic version of it, it will be available here, though suffice it to say that it's not worth reading, (though you could probably get the point from the last ten pages, which, you know, might be). But anyway, questions and provocations (even of the "you haven't even /read/ it yet?" ilk) are encouraged. With any luck, distraction /is/ a choice.

and I'm sure it's still interesting

"It is difficult to say that anything exists outside of our perception and conception of it and yet conversely there is nothing then so real as human construct."

again with the—what?

I just had a conversation with a guy I know and like, which basically went "Yeah—you know, I hate Science Fiction; and I've been watching this show Big Love, and it's really freaking me out because of all my jealousy issues—I really can't hang with it, though I keep watching." And afterwards, when he walked away, some guy came up to me and said, "Hi—I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation about Science Fiction and Big Love—two of my favorite things—and I wanted to give you a copy of my cd. I think you'll like it—it's basically like a combination of the two, but maybe without the humor."

revelation

Do you ever anticipate things? I mean, are you ever tempted to just make known things that you have anticipated, though they won't necessarily happen? And is there a way to do that without seeming like you're giving yourself the assist for an I Told You So? It's not really that I don't understand that that could be weird, and I certainly wouldn't want to imply that whatever it was was an inevitablility (which, worse than setting up an ITYS, would seem like shirking responsibility), but sometimes don't you think "She totally saw that coming, and with a little heads-up, I could've been braced for it."?

just, to take the analogy /way/ too far...

So, the whole thing about bands being like polyamorous relationships...

Do you think the same rules apply to getting back together with the band as to with the boyfriend? Or do you actually think (in either case, I guess) it could be a good idea, assuming you've (in the meantime) shed some of the bad parts (of yourself, or of the relationship—who's to say?)? Or do you think you're likely to discover that the "bad" parts, however troublesome, really kept the whole thing together?

Also, I guess I know what watching Law & Order over and over gets me; what do you suppose hours of Big Love will do? Finally, how many things do you do that you wish you didn't do, and how much energy do you expend trying to stay conscious of them?

concession speech

Of course, this is exactly what this was supposed to be. (Or wait—am I being that woman who says to her kid, "See—that puppy has a leash just like you do!")

the new plan is becoming conscious of my own vocabulary choices

The next planet was inhabited by a tippler. This was a very short visit, but it plunged the little prince into deep dejection. "What are you doing there?" he said to the tippler, whom he found settled down in silence before a collection of empty bottles and also a collection of full bottles.

"I am drinking," replied the tippler, with a lugubrious air.

"Why are you drinking?" demanded the little prince.

"So that I may forget," replied the tippler.

"Forget what?" inquired the little prince, who already was sorry for him.



"Forget that I am ashamed," the tippler confessed, hanging his head.

"Ashamed of what?" insisted the little prince, who wanted to help him.

"Ashamed of drinking!" The tipler brought his speech to an end, and shut himself up in an impregnable silence.

And the little prince went away, puzzled.

announcement

Cocktails tonight at the Zig Zag. All are welcome.

right?

What kind of self-promoting enterprise is deliberately anti-confrontational, and how many of the billions of people in the world might agree with me? I love you guys.

this is what I meant to say

I had a talk with a friend this past weekend. (And I've been mulling it over for a few days now, and) I've come to the conclusion that (while there are any number of interesting parts/corollaries,) probably the most important point is: Your immediate intolerance [of me] is just as important as your long-term tolerance.

(and, actually, I wonder how many people understand that my frankness has as much to do with my inability to be tactful as with my commitment to honesty. Or vice versa.)

my kids don't believe I used to hate clothes

I think I did it. I think I found an outfit that's appropriate for work, a hipster event at an opera house, /and/ a neighborhood-fancy French dinner with my best friend.



I think I've fully transitioned from reveling in transgression to almost obsessively appreciating appropriateness in both the abstract and instantiation.

(maintaining, of course, a distinction analogous to the fashion/style contrast)

best text message of the day

"Ok I'm up, but I must shower and desperately need coffee. So much so that you have no idea how long it took me to type desperately."

"Don't flatter yourself in thinking that that's empathy."

I'm starting to worry my claim on self-sufficiency is really just a need for isolation. At what point is it more burdensome to not let anyone help?

imagine your world

Came to some conclusions this weekend. To wit: reciprocal empathy; integration; choices; and that sound/movement combination my dad did to soothe me as an infant being most clearly replicated by a little indie rock bass-player jumping up and down on stage.

Also, I am now imagining people using the word 'figuratively' properly (but /emphatically/) in every situation where they're tempted to use 'literally' improperly. (Using 'figuratively' literally where they want to use 'literally' figuratively. Can't you just see frat boys yelling, "Dude—I /figuratively/ shat my pants when she talked to him."?)

Also, was reminded of the middle-school stock phrase "You had to be there." and failed to implement it. Sorry. Soon I'll remember that some things don't translate to other forms of communication. (Right? Shouldn't I adapt my emphatic attitude about purpose in medium for other things, too?)

Also, convinced one person I'm smart while probably convincing the other I'm stupid (or crazy—still). My vote's still out, of course. Maybe math should stay in pairs. Or esteem is always an inversely proportional relationship. Balance, or some shit.

"must be a different view ..."

(/ "you look best ...")

damn straight I'm wearing fancy flipflops

What else do you wear to celebarate a flash-in-the-pan favorite band? (And don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks about footware this carefully, because prepositions and flowers and underwear are just the same issue cliched.)



Also, at what point is it ok to point out something that's probably obvious, but, you know, just in case, and how would you make it clear that you know that it's probably obvious, and you know, you're mentioning it just in case?

"from you I know I'll never be free"

I think we all know how I get about things. And by "things", I usually mean "certain abstractions (or concept(ion)s) about certain people". But sometimes I actually mean "things". Luckily, this one should be perfectly replaceable. If I can find it again.



Suggestions welcome.