only because I always overreact

I think I might have just figured out the kind of emotional outburst that would prompt someone to say "It's not my fault if you're mad!"

getting talked into things

I also have this thing where I don't like it when things happen slowly 'cause sometimes you don't really get the chance to realize what's going on (/deal with it) and man, how did that happen with my cat dying, too?

ah, love and taste

there's this great thing that happened that's starting to seem emblematic of all the great things in my life, which is basically, there was this thing I loved, and I tried to involve myself with it, and I completely messed it up, and then I tried over and over to apologize for it, but suddenly people are saying I made it better (or at least, bigger) and my apology makes me sound like a jerk, but I'm still sorry.

"I mean, he used two question marks—how fishy is that?"

hangin'

an actual conversation that actually happened last night:

him (practically grabbing me by the arm and turning me around to face him in a crowd): (smiles strangely)

me: hi. um. you look familiar...

him: I left a flower on your car.

me: huh?

      oh! months ago? outside ########?

him: yes

me: well, um, how are you? what's goin' on?

him: I just wanted you to know who it was.

me: so, yeah... cool. maybe I'll see you around.

does it mean you're looking so hard for someone to understand that you actually reasses yourself in light of conclusions?

that thing that happend when art had to be talked about a lot and suddenly the critics were as creative as the artists, if not more

I once tried to explain to someone this whole process I went through when I really wanted to like taking baths. I think he said he really didn't understand what I was talking about, though in the impressions I've made of him since then, I have to believe that he does, it's just that I didn't explain it very well. And I won't explain this very well either, but that particular anecdote seems precisely relevant to this thing I'm working on these days, which has taken on this weird capacity to be completey formed before it even starts, and therefore much easier to describe than something that happens organically. But also completely frightening, the way it always is when you realize you've taken communication on faith and now something has to materialize to either confirm or contradict the notion. But I think the really important thing is, see, my band is playing a show on Monday and for some reason I'm super nervous about this one, but this time I'm nervous in the I'd-actually-like-it-if-people-came way, not in the oh-it's-cool-I-like-getting-used-to-the-microphone-in-private way I usually am. So it's finally time to say (at some point that isn't ten seconds after stepping off stage), I really appreciate everyone who's been coming to our shows. It actually does mean a lot. And if anyone else wants to see what we're up to, the day after tomorrow would be, for me, a really convenient moment for you to pick.

Also, to anyone who's tried to contact me recently, I'm out of touch. Like, really, so—sorry. I'm not passively asking you to go away, I swear.

over Broadway

I don't know that I've ever felt quite so obvious about the whole "I'm telling you that I did this so you know that this is the kind of thing I do" posture.

excuse me while I blow your mind

Sure, my narcissistic tendencies are fueled by so much forced introspection (and then again, reading and equating and comparing and resolving are natural reactions to curiosity), but bear with me for a moment. I have failed to mention an acute case of Oh My God Me, Too since it involved a particular contentious relationship, but this one involves every contentious relationship I've ever had (literally, as far as I can tell).

(Also, I'd beg forgiveness for sounding pretentious in repeating something overly technical, but like I tried to explain to the extremely insistent dude the other night, "I'm really not trying to be rude, but you keep thinking you want to hear it, and I haven't even finished reading it yet, so it's hard to explain".

It seems that the detection of contingent control that their own self's facial action exerted over the other's facial mirroring reaction must have negatively interfered with the insecure infants' ability to attend to and learn about the predictive value of the exteroceptive cue of the other's facial action.

[...]

in the case of insecure-resistant infants who are affectively under-regulated (Sroufe, 1995), one can argue that their emotional expressivity typically results in negatively escalating affective states and increased disequilibration due to their caregivers' typical emotional (often anxious) overreactions and contagious unmarked "mirroring" reactions to their infant's emotional signals (Gergely & Watson, 1996).

[...]

This could explain, then, the negative interference that both groups of insecure infants showed in the Self-Other ("mirroring") condition that involves the detection of the self's contingent influence over the emotional facial behaviour of the external female face.

code makers

I'm starting to think that I've spent so much time rephrasing my thoughts so that people who really don't get it might think that they halfway do that it's become impossible for me to communicate with anyone who might actually understand.

iff only

It's kinda funny that things can be their own opposites. Like 'cleave' or the Oceanic Feeling. And like how I can't stand indifference, so I'm incapable of it; but then I can't stand frustration, so that's all I produce.

actually, I love leaving things to people who say them better.

I think all I have left is congratulations.

like for example

me: Hey, it was fun to see you last night, however briefly. You're probably glad you didn't stick around—some chick told me I sounded like ******* ******** and I almost declared the end of my career then and there.

him: oh dear god

11:50 AM

me: I know

me: actually, that was after she asked if we take requests

me: she wanted to hear "Me and Bobby McGee"

him: hahaha

him: hahahahhahahahahaha

me: yeah

me: thanks.

him: you're making my day right now

me: well, at least something good came out of it

me: I kinda want to crawl in a hole and die

me: what do you want to bet it happens again when we play *** **** ****?

12:05 PM

him: i'm hoping it does b/c i want to be there to watch it

me: Fred said if I knew the words he was gonna make me sing it.

me: and actually, I told some dude at the bar what had happened, looking for sympathy, and he squealed "Ooh, that would be great!"

me: so, ok, I'm putting you on our mailing list, if that's ok

him: totally fine

"macho, in a math way"

I just heard someone say "some day we'll be reminiscent of The Hidden Cameras". Beautiful.

does it count if you don't mean it?

I just realized I've been spelling it "Santa Clause", like the subsection in the pre-nup that explicity states he gets to keep his holiday suit, or something.

high quality disposables

I hate to be wasteful, really (at least, when I know that's what I'm doing), but, in principle, not in practice, which maybe is why one of my favorite things in the world is driving on a cold day with the heat blasting and the windows down.

I wonder what it says that the things I love are so frequently a tasteful instantiation of a tasteless theory.

But, man, I love things that are just right for just a moment.

presents!

I was thinking, if you live anywhere near me, and you were thinking about giving me something over the holidays, and you find yourself often uninspired, or unwilling to commit, or underage, or a little short of cash ever, one thing that would be really cool would be if you saved all your burned out lightbulbs from now until you gave them to me on, say, December 22nd, and then I would know you were thinking of me all that time, and that would make a lot of people happy, I think.

accidental guesswork

What is the worth, really, of falling into place so perfectly you never really make a choice?

also

?

columnar thinking

So, you know, blogs are self-indulgent and probably most writing is anyway, and, actually, comments on blogs are the worst, right? 'cause those are /definitely/ the people who raised their hands in class to say the answer phrased as a question, so, what if I just actually wanted to have a reverse advice column?

How do you sing when you're sick?

also,

Anyone know a good custom (women's) tailor?

she thinks there's some kind of imbalance

Saw an old flame the other day. I should say, oldest (I loved this guy in, what, sixth grade? and followed him around for probably eight years after that). And it was that perfect combination of wonderful and tragic and man, he just keeps getting better.

And last night I had a nightmare that someone talked me into going on a near-light-speed space trip and I vaguely remember the beautiful pink canyon canoeing, but mostly it focused on the last few days when I finally realized that when we returned everyone else would be nine years older and the landing pad was now a set of nearly abandoned rusted train tracks and I almost tripped in the mud trying to call love that'd been another ten years back for dinner or something at least, and I think it's the weight of feeling both cheated and responsible that hurts the heaviest.